Lost in the internet
Judy Conlin
Help! I got a new word program for my old computer. The tech put it on, but it doesn’t seem to work. That is probably because it still has the same old, and I do mean old, computer operator. I have spent hours trying to set it up so that it looks something like my old columns.
I was able to do an invoice, and while it wasn’t perfect, I believe it was readable. When I tried to print it, it said that it could not print to my laser printer, but then it printed it. I thought maybe I could make a screenshot of it and send it to my editor. I was not able to do this.
I tried to save it where these columns have been saved for 40 years. It said it saved it even though I had only written two paragraphs, so I felt safe shutting down and getting some more urgent work done before finishing it. Now that I’ve returned, ready to finish it, that file is nowhere to be found.
I have started over. I am going to try to write the whole thing this time, and if it is not saved, my column will not be in the paper this week. Worse, I will not get paid.
I decide to talk to the word processor.
“Word,” I say, “you are causing me grave difficulty.”
Word does not respond.
“If you do not get saved, and I am not speaking religiously here; your religion is your own business. My salary is my business, but you should want to make it yours also. If I do not get paid, you will get very hungry for ink, as I will not have the funds to buy any for you. I will also not be able to provide you with the paper you often love to eat, causing me to spend hours trying to retrieve it from your nasty jaws.
“You will never get turned on, and that can be a very sad, bleak life. You’re going to miss me when you don’t have me to start pulling out my hair every time I sit down to try to make a living.”
I wait for a little sign that Word is even listening, but I am met with dead silence. This package is a hard nut to crack.
When I say “crack,” my computer gets very upset. It feels it is old but not cracked and is doing the best it can for its age. I can sympathize. I feel the same way.
I am not sure what to try next. I have a recalcitrant Word system and a mad computer. I surely can’t be expected to produce anything of value under these circumstances.
Just then, Nurse Judy, my alter ego with a superiority complex, sticks her head in the door.
“You seldom produce anything of value…” she begins.
I am very happy that she at least said “seldom.” That is, until she continues, “At least none that I’ve ever seen.”
I want to take this old computer and smash it. I want to take this new word package and smash it. I cannot do that. I must act like a rational soul who is just lost somewhere out here in a cloud on the internet.
All I can think of to do now is appeal to the general public. If you’ve heard something, say something. Go to your closest technician or Geek Squad and report an emergency on Tallavana Trail. You don’t need to be gentle. Tell them there is a person at that address who is in extreme distress. Her mental condition is terrifying.
Tell them she may be in danger of harming herself. Let them know she has threatened to kill three entities: her computer, her new web package and, most heartedly, Nurse Judy. You will be doing a public service and may even come to be known as a hero or heroine.
My fate is in your hands.
More later,
Judy
www.nursejudyinfo.com
