When a person gets to a certain age, New Year’s resolutions become a little different.
Sure, one is still interested in losing weight, exercising, eating well and trying to look good, but the odds of achieving goals in these areas have decreased substantially due to the physical changes brought on by the unceasing ticking of time. One should not abandon such goals, but should keep them within realistic parameters.
I try to explain this to Nurse Judy, my alter ego who has never admitted to being a day older than 29. Her only response is to say, “Pshaw; you’re only as old as you feel.”
While this may be true, I often feel every year of my chronological age. I am not going to dwell on what that actual age is, but I am going to make a list of resolutions for persons who are, say…a little “long in the tooth.” After all, there are still many things people can aspire to as they approach their golden years.
Anybody over the age of 50 will find something on this list they can strive for. Therefore, here is a list for older women to choose from as they make their annual New Year’s resolutions:
1. Never park your car further from your destination than you can walk without a respirator.
2. Wear sunglasses all the time. They cover bags under, and wrinkles around, your eyes.
3. Write down everything you want to remember.
4. Try to remember where you wrote down everything you want to remember.
5. Know where the nearest restroom is at any location you happen to be.
6. Even if you are only getting one item at the supermarket, use a shopping cart to carry your purse and double as a walker, if needed.
7. Keep your purse tethered to your wrist.
8. Leave your outdoor lights on, even if you leave your house in the morning. There’s always the chance that you may get lost and not return before nightfall.
9. Make sure your clothes are on right side out, your shoes match and your hair is combed before leaving the house.
Nurse Judy interrupts my list-writing.
“These are not resolutions,” she says. “These are just common sense. No one needs to be reminded of them.”
I find this hilarious. For Nurse Judy to be talking about common sense is ridiculous, since she has never showed the tiniest bit of sense of any kind since I’ve known her.
“What would you suggest as resolutions for elderly people?” I ask.
She doesn’t hesitate a moment.
“Never act your age,” she says. “Then, no one has any idea how old you really are.”
“What else?” I ask.
“Life is an adventure,” she says. “Enjoy the moment. If you find you’re in the wrong place, enjoy the place you’re in. If your clothes, shoes or hair are not quite right, enjoy being different and a trendsetter. If you can’t remember someone’s name just call them ‘darling.’ They won’t care. If you can’t remember what you’re supposed to get at the supermarket, just buy something you like, and be happy. Don’t worry about all those silly resolutions of yours.”
I think a moment.
“Knowing where bathrooms are can be pretty important when you’re older,” I insist.
“Wear security undies,” Nurse Judy retorts.
I am astonished to hear this prima donna mention such a thing.
“Be sure and get the pretty decorated feminine ones in pastel colors they advertise on TV,” she adds. “And always wear your tiara.”
I relax. This sounds more like the Nurse Judy I know. She is such a silly flibbertigibbet. Still, when you make your resolutions, it’s good to be sensible, but you might want to add a few from Nurse Judy’s list, too.